Everyone wants to be successful so they get online and Google “how to be successful.” Guess what they find? Gazillions of listicles by losers in desperate need of clicks and attention who generate free content based on cheesy self-help books.

If you read enough of that nonsense you’ll find all sorts of contradictory advice, sometimes even in the same article. There’s learn to say yes, learn to say no, quit saying yes, yada yada.

Funny, you’ll never see learn to make smart choices. That would be too easy.

You will find some common threads, though. You’d think those would be safe bets, wouldn’t you? Not exactly. They’re usually the most common feel-good myths. Let me save you a whole lot of time and nip a few in the bud.

Seek knowledge, not results. Sounds like a great excuse for staring at your iPhone all day and getting nothing done.

Make daily affirmations. What, like Stuart Smalley? You’re kidding, right?

Keep a daily journal. The very thought of putting in writing what’s in my head is horrifying. They’ll lock me up and throw away the key.

Be focused and organized. The only thing less organized than my office is my head.

Avoid conflicts. Want to get laughed out of a boardroom? Suggest that.

Be happy and likable. I’m a miserable asshole. Any questions?

Be grateful. P-uh-lease. Everyone has selfish motives, especially those who say they don’t.

Engage with people you admire. You mean become a creepy stalker? See how that works out for you.

Have a PMA (positive mental attitude). I’ve been told I have an attitude. Does that count?

Develop your EQ. Learn to control your emotions and manipulate others. Great advice for frauds and dictators.

Follow your intuition. Most people have lousy intuition they should never trust.

Success means choosing education over entertainment. I’m sitting here watching bizarre mating/territorial rituals of lizards that live on my property. Highly entertaining.

Speaking of entertaining, I could do this all day long but I’ve got shit to do. You know, what successful people actually do: work. Got any fun tips on how to be successful? Share, we can all use a laugh.