As most of you are sick of hearing by now, I’m not a fan of New Year’s resolutions. They’re dumb. Resolutions are supposed to be firm decisions and, as everyone knows, resolving to lose weight next year is about as firm as cellulite.

Aspirations on the other hand are a whole lot more realistic and a whole lot less guilt-inducing when you fail to achieve them, which you inevitably will because, let’s face it, when has a strong desire ever been enough to achieve anything worthwhile?

Case in point, I accomplished exactly one and a half of my 10 Aspirations for 2018: Getting Kim a new car, which had to be done, and not making the world a better place, which was a slam-dunk since making anything better is not really in my wheelhouse.

Still, there’ll always be a part of me that wants more, and since Geico won’t let me do their dumb commercials, here are my 10 Aspirations for 2019:

1. Grow up a little.

2. Learn how to make sushi rolls. Yes I’m serious.

3. Spend some quality time spinning vinyl in the rec room and fine-tuning my Pandora channels.

4. While it’s been great fun making the orthopedic surgeons at SOAR Medical rich I do need a break (not literally).

5. Be more mindful of how mindless my behavior is.

6. Stop wasting time on Twitter – it draws you in and makes you feel important but couldn’t be more worthless.

7. Become 14% less neurotic.

8. Quit giving Elon Musk a hard time – the poor guy’s got enough problems, what with his ADHD, endless need for attention, paranoia and all that.

9. Clean up the garage.

10. Finish that bestseller (I hereby decree that everyone is allowed one repeat aspiration from the previous year, for all that’s worth).

That’s it folks; 2018’s a wrap. Show’s over. Pop the cork and move along. Nothing to see here.

Happy New Year and have an amazing 2019, gang!

Image credit practicalowl via Flickr (that’s not me but I do have that shirt — in a smaller size)